Category: love

Got butterflies in your stomach? How to make them fly in formation


Got butterflies in your stomach? How to make them fly in formation cup

Nothing is more terrifying than the fear of fear. Will I be safe? Will my family be safe? Will I make it? What will other people think of me? Am I making the right choice? How will this turn out? What if more goes wrong? Sound familiar? Fear is an essential part of being human. There is an abundance of it in our lives and this can hamper your growth and prevents many great things from occurring.

It’s ironic that so much of what we do aims at limiting our exposure to fear. We risk less and clamor for safe routines. The ultimate irony though is that we do not really like the routine at all. In fact, just look at the many books and movies that we consume which tell us of heroes that seemingly fear nothing.

That is not what fearlessness really means. Having fear is essential in self-awareness. How else would you even know that you are risking anything? What is often so damaging is our primal instinct from our early human existence that kept our ancestors safe: freeze-fight-flee. Problem is simply that because it’s instinct, we resort to freezing (fearing) first by default.

That is also actually the first step to letting the butterflies in your stomach fly in formation. Realize that what you are going through is normal and expected should provide initial comfort.

  • Take a deep breath and slow down. Get time to work for you. The moment you allow for thinking time, the greater the chance that you can think of alternatives to your situation.
  • Seek community. Your brain thinks isolation is best when in fact you should be seeking community. Share your thoughts and collaborate with folks about options.
  • Exercise. What? Yes, that’s correct. Get up and get your body going. The moment your blood starts pumping hard throughout your body it will start changing chemistry and flushing out the bad stuff with it. It does wonders.
  • Stop what you are doing and do something completely different. Take yourself out of the situation that keeps messing with your brain and do something that you really enjoy doing. Best thing to do is to do them in public, or with other nice folks.
  • Remember that you are only afraid of the first moment. Whenever we are afraid to do something we are really afraid of taking the first step. Once you are rolling you will get back in your “zone” and gain momentum. It is the first moment of announcing to everyone that you will do something different that we fear the most. What can possibly happen during this brief period of time?
  • Listen, read, or watch something by your favorite person you look up to. The reason why you look up to that person is most likely because they did master their own fears.
  • What is the worst that can happen? Your mind will tell you all sorts of things that are really meaningless. Read Bob Williamson’s book “Miracle on luckie street”. If a homeless, drug addicted thug who was thoroughly on his way to go to prison (again) or getting killed on the street can get back up on his feet through finding God and now be a multi-millionaire helping other people achieve greatness, so can you. His life could not have gotten any worse. Please read his book. It is a fascinating story.
  • Call a friend or mentor. Everyone should have a mentor, but a great friend will do as well. Shared thoughts are always better than getting all wigged out on your own.

Ask any public speaker and they will tell you that they have butterflies in the stomach prior to going on stage. It is natural and in fact, a little fear creates a healthy tension within that helps delivering a great speech. This “healthy” fear is a good sign for you as well. Fear means that you are risking something. Without a little risk in your life you will never break away from the things that hold you back.

Please share this thought and post with people who you think could need a little nudge. Thanks!

Ralf

Want it or not, you are the proud owner of “Brand U”


Ralf a

Want it or not, you are the proud owner of “Brand U”

Brand U is the concept of what you stand for to the people around you. Depending on where you stand on the issue, you either are embracing, or fighting it. One thing is certain though, you stand for something and you cannot do anything about that – your choice is whether or not you want to influence it and hopefully for the better too.

People form an image of you depending on the roles you play and the social setting you are in. Your written and verbal skills are constantly weighed and compared with your behavioral patterns such as gestures, mimics, how consistent and congruent you are, and what other people might have to say about you. This goes on 24/7/365 and fighting this is futile.

The rules here is rather basic for improving your Brand U image: The more honest you are with yourself, the more honest and direct you come across to others. Consistency is just as important. Sticking to truth and integrity makes for very short sentences when you have to explain the choices you have made in life.

Then there is the path to your soul and spiritual being: Your smile is the red carpet you roll out to others no matter who it may be. No matter how many people there are planet wide. Due to technological advancement Earth has shrunk and you never know if and how your actions will make a change in other people.

The really interesting part is how history seems to almost always overshadow your Brand U image of today. What I mean by that is how easy one tarnished spot in the past can really negatively impact your present and future image and therefore also how people will approach you. Pay close attention what you put on your social media outlets you and your friends use. A few careless moments captured on camera and a few lines you should have kept to yourself can end up as part of your legacy for a long time to come. It is not impossible to come back from this, but it is never easy and it almost always takes a long time.

Good news is that there is always another day around for a new and fresh start. Yes, it is possible to start out with no, or even a throughout negative image out there. The moment you make the choice of making a change with yourself you will be firmly on the road to a better you and plenty of future friendships coming your way.

The moment you start “shipping” results, you are firmly on the path to building a new Brand U for yourself. The stronger your conviction about the direction you have chosen, the faster you build up respect for you and whatever cause you should pick.

Deliver something every day. This can range from a friendly and genuine conversation to outright social media frenzy. Totally your pick, but make sure that you are actively engaged in whatever and whenever you want to put your material out there for everyone to see and use.

Ralf

If you can feel it, you can say it


If you can feel it, you can say it Ralf a

Most conversations go awry when one person starts to use an accusatory tone. This can sound like this: “You always ignore me”, “You never consider my opinion”, or “Can you ever plan ahead?”.

This kind of lingo can set of a downward spiral of events. For one using “you” in this context typically is like poking your index finger in the chest of the other person. Always, never, ever, etc, are rather strong words and most likely were not meant literally, but they hurt more than the poking “you” finger.

Once offended the other person may start fighting back. And why not? After all “always”, “never”, “ever” was not entirely true anyway. The moment this person also starts throwing similar sentences the other way, a war of the roses can ensue. Even worse are those people of us who say such things to intentionally hurt and drawing pleasure from putting their friends, family, co-workers, employees, etc. down.

A way out is using the expression of feelings rather than using accusatory statements. If you can express how certain behaviors hurt you and how they make you feel, it is typically much easier for the other party to understand what has led to the issue in the first place. Also, the other person’s mental shutters and personal defense system are not engaged and a much more sincere and genuine conversation can happen.

So what could the sentences above sound like? Let’s try this: “When you do not pay attention to me while I am speaking with you makes me feel sad and undervalued.”, “Sometimes I feel like my opinion is not valued at all; it makes me feel ignored”, “Whenever you do not plan ahead I feel like you do not value my time and my day ends up in chaos”.

See the difference? Emphasis lies in expression how a certain behavior makes you feel and how it affects you. This is the way how to keep the conversation at a really professional and factual level. It does not offend and is not intended to make you get even with the other person. A much more fruitful discussion can result. Have fun trying it out.

Ralf

When our communication goes downhill because of gender differences


Going to pre-marriage counseling was the best thing that happened to my wife and me.  Relationship conflicts by the vast majority are related to how the two genders look at each other’s communication style – it may just not be personal after all.  Generally speaking, men get quieter during conflicts and woman get louder because they feel their loved ones are not listening.  It is a devilish cycle that can derail your whole relationship for good.  That is especially true if any party in this is forced into the lizard brain fight or flight mode.  Duck when that happens.  It does not need to end up that way.

In our church you could get married only if you went through this counseling session first.  We were so skeptical at first but that would change during the course of the session quickly.  During this session we were asked to describe typical arguments that we had had during our relationship leading up to the decision to get married.  We dissected the events and had to realize that we had indeed fallen victim to the downward spiraling communication loop described above.

On one side my wife would come home from work expecting for me to just listen to the things that happened to her during the course of the day.  I would attempt to “help” by attempting to fix her issues and suggesting one course of action or another.  Next thing would be for her to get upset as I would not simply be listening to her stories of woe.  Since I felt slightly scalded I would get quieter and quieter instead of simply acknowledging her feelings, suggestions, questions, etc.  This would further upset her and she would get louder and I would get quieter.  All I needed was a little more time to think about what she had said and I would have come back with an opinion etc – just not that very same moment.  This would further infuriate her and a potentially full blown argument could ensue.

Ironically, the cohort of people that was there with us ran scared of the two of us as we candidly shared our disagreements and some of them we still could not get resolved that day.  To this day I think that they thought we would never make it.  It was funny to watch how uncomfortable the other folks were.  Long term relationships depend on candor.  Say what you mean or get out early.  You cannot sustain any relationship if it is not based on trust, candor and love.

Here are some free (well, it was not free for us figuratively speaking as we had to go through a few battle scars to let our communication gel) life lessons that we picked up along the way of this counseling session:

  1. When she wants to talk to you, just listen.  Do not attempt to fix or problem solve anything.  It will not work, trust me on this one.
  2. Make good eye contact while communicating.  Genuine and sincere listening skills are essential for men and women in order to make it through another day.
  3. Just because he is getting quieter, that does not mean that this is related to love or respect.  He may need a little more time to think about this and wait to get back with you.
  4. When he gets quieter, he did hear you.  Do not kick it up a notch and start yelling.  He will eventually shut down, which is bad news and can lead to more serious issues in the long run.  Allow for time to let it sink in.  Most men will come back and talk about the issue at hand by themselves.
  5. At the end of the conversation wrap up and review any potential commitments and potential follow up communication.

Ralf